DirecTV can DIAF

That would be "die in a fire" for the un-WoW geek initiated. And I mean that literally. After the 1+ years of crap they've put me through, I'd gladly watch at least one of their call centers burn down. Preferably with no small children or puppies inside though. Or chinchillas. I like me some chinchillas. Moving on...I signed up for DirecTV as soon as Charles and I moved out here, after I found out how freakin' expensive cable is in the area. Apparently that was my first mistake. So here's a quick rundown of everything that's gone wrong since that fateful signup day.

• Sometime last summer I got a notice that I was "renewed" for NFL Sunday Ticket. Except I've never ordered Sunday Ticket. I don't even watch football. What the heck?
  
• Around the second emailed notification for renewal (July) I called and cancelled this Sunday Ticket. No problem they said. So I considered it done.
  
• August rolls around. I break two bones cycling and spend the better part of the next 2 weeks sleeping in a recliner, passed out from painkillers. I assume Sunday Ticket is cancelled, as I called the month before. Never think to check.
  
• DirecTV autobills me the next three months for Sunday ticket. I call to "cancel" again...only to be told no. Obviously I've watched 3 months worth of it, and they can't give me my money back. WTF? I cancelled in JULY!!
  
• I spend 3 hours and four phone calls of my life arguing with them about the charges. I am yelled at by a petulant low level call center man in some unknown foreign country, accused of trying to get football for free. Seriously, I don't watch football. Eventually they agree to do an account credit rather than refund. Fine...whatever.
  
• I take a job in San Francisco in January. Charles and I move to Foster City in February. I immediately call DirecTV and cancel. No problem. They'll send me a "recovery kit" to the new address and I can send the receiver back. Sweet! Something that works!
  
• Recovery kit never shows. I don't think anything of it. I mean with the stress of work, training for a century, and I dunno...moving...that I didn't think to look for it.
  
• Fast foward to last week. DirecTV charges me $461 for failure to return the receiver. Only the box never came. Their shipping records indicate they sent the spiffy return kit to the old address. Where I don't live. Which I don't own. Where I can't get it. Awesome.
  

I argue with this set of DirecTV people for several hours. End result? They are keeping my $461 until they get my receiver, even though their people made the mistake. They offered to 2-day FedEx me a return box to the new address...only its still not here. Awesome. Again, I made no mistake...they sent the box to the wrong place and I get fined. I hate DirecTV!

And to add insult to injury? Charles tells me he got the original "return kit" from the old address the day we left; its in the laundry room on the shelf. Shockingly, I didn't notice it among all the other cardboard boxes. Moving sucks. *Patiently awaiting the new box so I can get my money back* After all that time spent, I can't return it in the old box on principle.